Growing......

I got through a spell every now and then when I just feel the need to fill you in on all my deep personal things.  Not so long ago I was struggling with the old me and almost gave up and walked away from God all together.  I have turned back to God but still struggle.  I have my good days and I have my bad days, I guess this is the same for everyone.  We are have something that was struggle with and have a hard time moving past.  When I started this journey my goal was to be heterosexual a "normal man" I have since realized that is the farthest thing in the world I should be moving towards.  I would watch these guys at work and they would be checking out the ladies and making very crude comments about them.  This is what I thought I should be working toward, well somewhat.  God has since opened my eyes and made known to me this is not His way for me, this is not how He wants us to act.  I may very well one day married with children but only is that is God's plan.  He made me the person I am for a reason.  My goal is not heterosexuality but Godliness.  I may struggle with this for rest of my life if that is Gods plan, and if that is Gods plan and there is a reason for it I am ok with that.  I try to hang onto certain things from my past to make it easier but in true life all I am doing is making life harder.  Why is it I use to surrender to God 110% but now I have things I want to hang onto and not give God that 110%?  I believe it's selfishness on my part.  I know in my heart that when and ONLY when I surrender 110% again will life be the way it should be.  That does not mean I wont have bad days but it does mean all these things I hold onto that make the bad days worse wont be there. 

I hear time and time again from people that I am trying to hide the way I am and a tiger can't change his stripes.  Well I tell you that I know more about who I am now that I am who I am in God than I have ever known before.  I can tell you this about the lifestyle I used to live homosexual men are 8X more likely to have a drug or alcohol addiction.  They are more likely to live a life in an abusive relationship, if that be physical or emotional, and die 8-20 years earlier than that of a person not given into the lifestyle.  Does this really make you think that people are born this way?  That people are born to live a life that can be that painful?  More times than not people that are living this lifestyle have had some kind of traumatic experience in their childhood.  Many many have been molested and or abused in some other way.  This is what makes a person give into the lifestyle not that they were born this way.  When a young child is molested it messes up things in their mind in a way that is not easily explained.  This does not mean that every child that is molested will live this lifestyle by any means.  This is however one of the reasons people do live this lifestyle though.  There is hope in all the pain and all the confusion.  God is here to free us from that to help walk with us, to take the burden on His shoulders.
Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
1Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
Matthew 7:13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

In closing, being free might not be not struggling at all but might mean having Someone to turn to.  Being free may mean not giving up even though you struggle.  Even if being free does not mean I loose my same sex attraction all together I am ok with that because it must be Gods plan.  The things I go through I know He will use to further His kingdom and I am ok with that I am more than ok with that!  If I need to have some hard days so someone else can see the power of God and find an eternity in Heaven than I am more than ok with having some bad days.  Because I know that in those days He will carry me, I will never walk alone and it will always be worth it.  God Bless all of you!